Wednesday, 7 August 2013


1) You're very tired and hungry but you get a gut wrenching feeling that if you leave your computer to eat or sleep you may miss out on something very important.

2) You send a message to someone and become offended if they don't reply straight away because what on earth could they be doing other than checking their social media networks (herein referred to as smn's) every 5 minutes like you do.

3) Checking smn's is the first thing you do in the morning and last thing you do at night before sleep.

4) When you check your smn's in the morning if you haven't received a 'share, like, plus 1, tweet, reply or favourite,' it's like a knife straight through your heart.

5) You allow your child to talk to you about their day for 5 minutes but you're only half listening because you're actually wondering if you're missing something important on your smn's.

6) Said child finally goes off to play but then comes bounding back in with more news just as you click into your smn and you could just strangle the little *%#*, darling.

7) You become involved in a cyberspace brawl that lasts for hours: the other party is actually enabling your addiction which you recognise deep down but you may not want to admit to yourself.

7a) You get involved in a cyberspace brawl defending someone you just met online and you tell yourself it's not because you are a junkie (sorry Matt).

7b) You invite people to your house that you just met online and they think you're really generous but in fact they are your enabler and you are terrified of losing them (sorry Jeremiah: I still think you guys are awesome though).

8) Your partner takes the day off work to spend time with you but you can't because you're busy with 
 - refer to 7).

9) Your partner wants to take you out for dinner and a show and you seriously wonder if it's too much to ask to bring your laptop along with you.

10) Your partner wants to make love and you seriously wonder if . . . refer to 9).

11) You think perhaps you've finally found something better than sex, chocolate and watching sunsets on the beach with your partner and hope this partnership lasts for forever.

12) You keep your laptop under your bed because you might need to check on those babies during the night and make sure it's all chugging along ok while you're sleeping.

13) You become a little bit offended when other people aren't on board as much as you are and you wonder what they're doing.

14)  You forget to exercise, the housework and paperwork piles up and showers get pushed forward too and you can't understand why.

15) You privately snort through your nose at people who do not have smn's and when you see those people in real life you don't know what to say to them - it's like you're looking at someone from an alternate reality: a dinosaur from a pre historic age.

16) When you finally do pull yourself away from your computer you feel as though the world you're interacting with is virtual and you start to wonder at the true meaning of the word 'reality.'

17) The power goes out and your computer is dead and you start to hyperventilate.